As a believer, God has "called us to settle our relationship with each other" -- 2 Corinthians 5:18.

Restore a Relationship ~ Making Amends

We may think we don't need certain people in our lives, and that we can supply all of our needs without other people, especially if they have done harm to us, or do not support us. We think that, in a state of emotional and spiritual isolation, we can still grow. And that's what we become - isolated. This is a violation of our basic nature and it causes serious problems (as we have come to see).

How Do I Forgive? As the Nike ad says, "Just Do It!" There is no magic formula. It takes more effort to restore a relationship. That's why Peter urged, "Work hard at living in peace with others." But when you work for peace, you are doing what God would do. That's why God calls 'peacemakers' his children. -- Matthew 5:9. Here are seven Biblical steps to restoring a relationship (fellowship):

1. Talk to God before talking to the person. Discuss the problem with God. If you will pray about the conflict first, instead of gossiping about it to a friend, you will often discover that either God changes your heart or he changes the other person without your help. All your relationships would go smoother if you just pray more about them. Tell God your frustrations. Cry out to him. He's never surprised or upset by your anger, hurt, insecurity, or any other emotions. So tell him exactly how you feel. Much conflict is rooted in unmet needs. Some of these needs can only be met by God. No 'one' person can meet all of your needs except God. The apostle James noted that many of our conflicts and quarrels are caused by prayerlessness: "What causes fights and quarrels among you?...You want something but don't get it... You do not have, because you do not ask God". Instead of looking to God, we look to others to make us happy and then angry when they fail us. God says, "Why don't you come to me first?"
2. Always take the initiative. It doesn't matter whether you are the offender or the offended: God expects you to make the first move. Don't wait for the other party. Go to them first. Restoring relationships is so important, Jesus commanded that it even take priority over group worship. He said, "If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God." -- Matthew 5:23-24. Don't procrastinate, make excuses, or get around to it someday. Delay only deepens resentment and makes matters worse. In conflict, time heals nothing; it causes hurts to fester. Acting quickly also reduces the spiritual damage to you. The Bible says sin, including unresolved conflict, blocks our fellowship with God and keeps our prayers from being answered, besides making us miserable (1 Peter 3:7; Proverbs 28:9).
3. Sympathize with their feelings. Use your ears more than your mouth. Before attempting to solve any disagreement you must first listen to people's feelings. Paul advised, "Look out for one another's interests, not just for your own." The Phrase 'look out for' is the Greek word 'skopos', from which we form our words 'telescope' and 'microscope'. It means pay close attention! Don't try to talk people out of how they feel at first. Just listen and let them unload emotionally without being defensive. In fact, resentment makes us act and think in foolish ways. David admitted, "When my thoughts were bitter and my feelings were hurt, I was as stupid as an animal." We all act beastly when hurt. Listening says, "I value your opinion, I care about our relationship, and you matter more." People don't care what we know until they know we care.
4. Confess your part of the conflict. If you are serious about restoring a relationship, you should begin with admitting your own mistakes and sin. Jesus said, "First get rid of the log from your own eye; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye." -- Matthew 7:5. Since we all have blind spots, you may need to ask a third party to help you evaluate your own actions before meeting with the person with whom you have a conflict. Also, ask God to show you how much of the problem is your fault. Ask, Am I the problem? Am I being unrealistic, insensitive, or too sensitive? The Bible says, "If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves. Confession is a powerful tool for reconciliation. When you begin by humbly admitting your mistakes, it defuses the other person's anger and disarms their attack because they were probably expecting you to be defensive. Don't make excuses or shift blame; just honestly own up to any part you have played in the conflict.
5. Attack the problem - not the person. You cannot fix the problem is you're consumed with blame. The Bible says, "A gentle response defuses anger; but a harp tongue kindles a temper-fire". You will never get your point across by being cross, so choose your words wisely. A soft answer is always better than a sarcastic one. In revolving conflict, 'how' you say something is as important as 'what' you say. God tells us, "A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is" -- Proverbs 16:21. Nagging never works. You are never persuasive when you are abrasive. Paul said "Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you".
6. Cooperate as much as possible. Paul said, "Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody." Peace always has a price tag. Sometimes it costs our pride; it often costs our self-centeredness. "You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family." -- Matthew 5:9
7. Emphasize reconciliation, not resolution. It is unrealistic to expect everyone to agree about everything. Reconciliation focuses on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem. When we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and often becomes irrelevant. We can reestablish a relationship even when we are unable to resolve our differences. We can disagree without being disagreeable (agree to disagree). We can walk arm-in-arm without seeing eye-to-eye on every issue. This doesn't mean you give up on finding a solution.

Who do you need to contact now as a result of reading this? With whom do you need to restore a relationship (fellowship)? Don't delay another second. Pause right now and talk to God about that person on your mind. Then pick up the phone and begin the process.

A man's spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear? -- Proverbs 18:14

Amends to Others Guidelines

• Be willing to love and forgive yourself and the person to whom an amend is to be made
• Know what you want to say and be careful not to blame the person wit whom you are communicating
• Take responsibility for what you will say
• Accept the consequences
• Resist the desire for a specific response from the other person
• Be willing to turn your anxieties over to God

Preparation

• Devote time to prayer and meditation
• Delay the amend if you are upset or angry
• Keep it simple. Details and explanations aren't necessary
• Remember that the amend does not focus on the person's part in the situation
• Express your desire, or ask permission to make the amend (i.e. I'd like to make amends to you because I'm in this program...Are you will to receive them?)

Amends to Self Guidelines

• Be willing to love and forgive yourself
• Know what you want to say and take responsibility for your actions
• Have reasonable expectations of yourself
• Be willing to turn your anxieties over to God

• Devote time to prayer and meditation
• Delay the amend if you are angry or upset
• Keep it simple. Explanations are not necessary
• Remember the amend is to yourself and does not pertain to others